they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
