I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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