Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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