My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
