Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
