My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
