Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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