i think i have two assholes
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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