Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i came on her dog
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
