my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
