I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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