Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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