seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
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Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
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You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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