I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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