Pants 0. Shit 1.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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