every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
