Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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