She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
