Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
