Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
