Buhtt sex?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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