eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
