Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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