Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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