I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
