He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
