Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
