My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
