You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You can't motorboat a personality
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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