3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
