If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
