i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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