just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize