lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
