I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
