Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
