hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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