i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
is it fun? or sober?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
