I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
