I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
