Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
