I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
