Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
