Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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