Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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