You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Randomize
