She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
