Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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