Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
