Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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