dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
They have beer where we have blood.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
