Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
