I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
