you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
